Everyones invited, and boundaries have a way of becoming more fluid than usual. On the other hand, if you tend to be a little more of a "dead weight" friend, or are actively off-putting in some way, then everyone's less likely to appreciate you trying to horn in on their plans. Growing up society has taught you that most men prefer to be initiative takers and it gets scary when a woman takes the lead. This approach leaves me feeling frustrated because maybe I dont want to do that thing, or perhaps want to rest or need to do errands or whatever else, but feeling trapped because I already admitted I am available. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. I like the idea of just asking directly, but Id be uncomfortable using the phrase Im socially awkward, even in a joking and self-deprecating way, unless I really knew and trusted the people. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. I am old enough and have talked myself through this sort of thing enough, and busy enough with my own life, that I generally respond to we went out and did this fun thing we didnt invite you to by saying oh, really, that sounds nice! and I mean it. In college I was in a very tight friend group with my roommate + two other students who lived two doors down from us in the same building. Even if the person talking about the fun thing is a close friend, I clarify whether Im wanted there, and I try to do so in a way that doesnt sound like Im angling for an invitation. So. In general, I think friends should communicate about and establish the status quo on this matter at the point in their relationships where they are going over to each others houses routinely. ? And its always after the fact so by the time theyre talking about the next outing theyve forgotten all about how I used my words before, and Im just as uncomfortable inviting myself along as always. (Also, whats with assuming that people will be at home? You: Teach me how to play basketball, please! They think if someone hasn't been invited to something they shouldn't try to force the issue. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. Depending on the age of the kids, you might get farther with a parent/kid invite T comes with the parent at the moment, you feed the parent tasty adult snacks and have stuff the kids can eat. If she asks to go to yours, you can defer; "yes, I will have to invite you over soon". Indeed, Arkadyrose did fine. You get a girl's number and then do nothing with it! I was reading that and thinking, wait, whys that shame-cleaning? Call first. But say a person you see every now and again text saying something like ' I will come over in 3 days time to see you. This is a hard one, sometimes. If you are not an excellent cook, then dont be discouraged. This is all excellent. So for me, personally, its only come to my house if you have *asked to come and been told yes* and have given us a reasonable amount of notice, or if you have been explicitly invited. I think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. Big +1 on the relevance of the increasing distance here. And it was all good. In my case, when I finally was the one to make the clean break after being led on, she cried and wanted forgiveness and blamed me for not forgiving her. So we talk about plans past and future all the time and we expect people not to be weird about it. But arkadyrose was talking about wedding with one person and another person inserted themself into the conversation. I used to envy people who seemed to glide effortlessly through social situations, sometimes I even hated them. But I wouldnt get nearly as irritated at them as I would at the door-to-door Vitamix salesman whos supposed to go away when he sees my sign. I once invited a friend and her boyfriend to Thanksgiving at my parents house and the boyfriend, who I had met ONE TIME, invited EVERYONE HE KNEW. Its one of those things that vary culturally and individually, though. It would be a hassle to ask everyone they meet, "Hey, we mountain bike. Find 33 ways to say INVITING, along with antonyms, related words, and example sentences at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. As a general rule, though, calling ahead is never *wrong* and can save you a lot of Oh, I didnt expect visitors, lets talk out here on the porch for a few minutes awkwardness. I really like to have control over when I am around people. When I asked him about the surprise invites, his reply was, I thought it was efficient to get all my social obligations taken care of at once. ! when someone shows up unexpectedly, and I only attend events I have been expressly invited to. Bye everyone. Nothing wrong with hanging out for a while after to see if the person is free after, but when it starts stretching into 45 minutes of that persons professional obligations you need to take a hint. Applauding the efforts of organizations and individuals who are doing something good. My current circle has enough meetups coordinated through non-Facebook means that I dont mind missing the occasional Facebook-only one, but when I lived in a different city with a different social circle I actually picked one person I was closer to and asked her to be my Facebook mole If you see a whole-group invitation go out via Facebook, could you email me about it? If he is a gamer, you may offer to have a gaming night at his place. Fancy a glass of wine at mine"has worked on me. Bring comfortable pajamas. Their legs might get tired! Its safer in any situation to assume a no unless you give me an explicit yes. Based on his demeanor he is ready too but is probably too shy to ask you over. Does she ever reciprocate, either by visiting you or by explicitly inviting you? I recommend Using Your Words: I was raised that its rude to assume Im invited to something just because its being discussed in my presence. I dont think it was all or nothing when I was a kid. Click here to go to the free training. If Im doing my stuff and dont have the emotional currenncy to make awkward small talk with an acquaintance in the street Ill darn well duck behind a tree and hide. Girl, if cooking is one of your love languages then there is no better way to show him you care by making a delicious home-cooked meal. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. I have had folks invite themselves over the same day and I have wangled it into lets meet at the bar rather than shame-cleaning or not being able to kick them out when I am sleepy, if its someone you feel you cannot say no to (but just know you can always say no). Everyone has different preferences about this, so it can be tricky to figure out what to do in general. Only me. I MISS the days when people would stop by and you could invite them in or chat briefly on the stoop, as suited the homeowner side of the drop by. Its kind of irrelevent in my case anyway, though, because I have no driveway or parking so someone coming to pick me up may or may not even have the option of leaving their car (if they find free street parking close but I wouldnt expect someone to find a parking spot and then come to my house, especially if it was winter). Shes just rude. If a friend texts me to say Hey, just bought a new bike at the shop around the corner, can I stop by on my way home and show it to you? then I wont mind coming out onto the driveway for 10 minutes to admire the bike and catch up. Some of my mothers friends assume that its only polite to call when youre in the area and see if they want to hang out, and some of my generation shame-clean less than other people. When I really wanted to connect with someone, I used to read the soft no as a problem that I could solve, like, Oh, thats not a problem, I can come to you instead! I will deliver the free comic books to your house, along with ice cream, and that random vacuum cleaner part you once mentioned in passing that you needed! I looked at the reason for the refusal and ignored that it was a refusal. And if Im definitely not in the mood to hang out, its painfully awkward for everyone involved if I have to ask you to go away. Im pickier about when I want to hang out if we werent already doing so, but asking even 10 minutes beforehand greatly increases the chances of me wanting you to come over, because then I have time to switch to social mode rather than ack, an intruder in my happy little introvert bubble, go away mode. Ive known a lot of people who are fine with people just showing up and I know thats their thing and Im not trying to shame them and say its wrong (if anything, I envy them) but I just dont understand it! I MIND! come on. There are just times where people won't explicitly invite you to something, but will be happy if you came. You can also see how they react to other people, and if they have a constant stream of drop ins when youre over, or are OK with saying no when asked or setting limits on drop ins without squirming with discomfort. organized? Now one is enforcing etiquette rules, and the other is wondering if theyre really rules so as to figure out if any were broken as though knowing that would make her right and her friend wrong. This is the more direct method. But Im always thanked for double and triple checking with him because I understand that his particular brand of anxiety can say yes lets definitely plan to do this and then the day of be I really want to do this but I cant do it today. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. Apparently he was known for it, and it was about the only thing he was known for because hardly anyone actually knew him that well. So, yeah, dont do that. It imposes too much on the person who lives there. but how was I supposed to know that anyone and everyone was welcome? You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. It certainly doesnt have to be exactly fifty-fifty, nor do I suggest you keep a detailed count of how often she initiates contact versus how often you do, but if youre doing all or almost all of the initiating, I would be suspicious that shes not actually acting like someone whos trying to be friends with you. Your examples include this, but it wasnt talked about explicitly. Huh, you didnt tell me to bring him along. What, do I have to say so specifically? Even short and enjoyable visits can be ruined by not knowing when they will end. Bye have fun! Note, your friend might just want a bit more space generally it might not be anything about your friendship, they might just be a bit stressed with life generally and want to claw back some control/mental space/holiday/have a break whilst redecorating/re-training, and they might be back with enthusiasm later. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. Tbh from what I see on YouTube, it's kind of normal to ask if you can come over to hang out. Im very sorry that there was a miscommunication, and I hope well have a chance to get together soon., The script you REALLY need, though, is for your friend: Friend, we like seeing your cousin occasionally, but she seems to think that any invitation to you includes her as well, and thats not actually the case. 1. I chose stay and keep playing bc, as a naive young thing, I thought that being offered that option meant that option was available for me to choose. The distinction I was trying to awkwardly makie was that a drop-in visit deprives those people who enjoy the lead up to hosting of that lead up (whether it comes in the form of fancy soap, baking, the chance to make DIY napkin holders, etc.). Put him to work someone shows up unexpectedly, and I only events... Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one another! 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